I just want to scream. I have gained way, way too much weight and the consequence is pain. Pain in my feet and legs and various other parts. Baby Jamoca doesn't care. He doesn't care if I didn't exercise enough or ate too much, he isn't coming out early.
So I read about how to start labor and one thing I read was to bounce on an exercise ball and move around on one.
The result is I am now in agony because I pulled a muscle in my groin or something.
I am too big and the baby seems to be very big and as I said, I just want to scream - I actually walked upstairs just now, at 2 am and said fuck you to the blinds.
I try to talk myself through this. It won't be long now I say. You are really lucky I tell myself. I think of all the awful things that I don't have to deal with to try to cheer up. Try to remind myself how much worse it could be but I want to jump off my roof. I want to go to the hospital and say uncle. Take him out, I'm done with this.
Tomorrow will be better. I know it.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, May 17, 2013
Salty, Salty
I was looking up how to stop the swelling in my feet and hands and found that I should reduce the sodium in my diet.
That probably sounds really obvious to most people but for some reason I have never tried to drastically reduce the sodium in my diet. It's really difficult.
If you want to make 100% sure that you don't surpass the amount of sodium you should eat in a day you have to start by not eating much processed food.
And you can't add salt to anything you cook.
It's not impossible though and I noticed a huge difference after only two days. I wonder, in fact, if people who are trying to lose weight would do better to make sure they don't exceed the amount of sodium they should have in a day instead of caring about calories. I'm guessing it would work.
But like I said, you can't eat or drink much of anything that is already made. You have to cook your food from scratch and not add salt. Mrs. Dash is my new buddy in the kitchen.
It's not impossible to do this. Last night hubs wanted mac and cheese, which we both love but when I looked at our beloved Kraft I found that a serving is 30% of your daily sodium intake which is totally insane. So I boiled some pasta and made a sauce. It was good. I used milk, butter, cheese, pepper and a little bit of flour. Cheese does have salt in it but you could tell that the final product was not so salty. It was pretty good.
This goes hand-in-hand with a "whole foods" diet - again, not eating processed foods.
I suppose tonight I won't be too strict because it is Shabbat, but I might just eat a baked potato with yogurt instead of what I'm feeding the rest of the family.
Jr. appreciates the low sodium so much, he lets me sleep at night!
That probably sounds really obvious to most people but for some reason I have never tried to drastically reduce the sodium in my diet. It's really difficult.
If you want to make 100% sure that you don't surpass the amount of sodium you should eat in a day you have to start by not eating much processed food.
And you can't add salt to anything you cook.
It's not impossible though and I noticed a huge difference after only two days. I wonder, in fact, if people who are trying to lose weight would do better to make sure they don't exceed the amount of sodium they should have in a day instead of caring about calories. I'm guessing it would work.
But like I said, you can't eat or drink much of anything that is already made. You have to cook your food from scratch and not add salt. Mrs. Dash is my new buddy in the kitchen.
It's not impossible to do this. Last night hubs wanted mac and cheese, which we both love but when I looked at our beloved Kraft I found that a serving is 30% of your daily sodium intake which is totally insane. So I boiled some pasta and made a sauce. It was good. I used milk, butter, cheese, pepper and a little bit of flour. Cheese does have salt in it but you could tell that the final product was not so salty. It was pretty good.
This goes hand-in-hand with a "whole foods" diet - again, not eating processed foods.
I suppose tonight I won't be too strict because it is Shabbat, but I might just eat a baked potato with yogurt instead of what I'm feeding the rest of the family.
Jr. appreciates the low sodium so much, he lets me sleep at night!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Babies and Hyperbole
The time right before you have a baby is very special because if you have kids you know how much harder life is going to be for a long time as soon as the baby is born, but you don't want to be pregnant anymore. You feel gigantic and uncomfortable but you also feel this little baby moving around in you and it's kind of nice to have him in there because he is safer inside your body than he will be out.
As you finish getting everything ready for him to arrive and you look around and relax a little feeling like you are prepared, you think about enjoying these last short weeks before the hard work starts.
My kids tell me I am mean a lot. I wonder if it's true. Am I mean? I think I am sometimes. I don't want to be mean.
Allie posted to Hyperbole and Half again after a really long time: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
She is a really talented artist and good at talking about depression. I find it most interesting how people who have never struggled with depression can't understand it. I look at my kids and I don't want them to ever understand that kind of pain but I also wonder if they already know about worse pain than I can ever imagine.
I think they probably do. My friends with divorced parents have been kind to me - offering what I can do to be a good parent instead of focusing on how painful it is - but they assure me it is an agonizing pain.
I like to believe that there is total order to this world. That it is perfect and when I don't see the perfection it is because I'm viewing things strangely as opposed to letting go of my fixed position.
Akiva Tatz' book Worldmask tells us that the physical world we live in is not "real" at all. Indeed, at this stage of pregnancy one does not feel she is living in any "real" world but daydreaming every moment of the day. The physical and spiritual tasks ahead are too large to digest and the brain fogs.
I look at my children, how they bear the strange changes in their mother and love me still, believe in me still - when I go to sleep before them or wake up after they have gone to school. I look at my husband, a slightly estranged best friend who is always right there for me but must worry so much - or I would if I were in his shoes. I want to go dancing with him and enjoy our last few weeks before the baby comes but there is no energy or grace left.
I wonder who you are in there and I long to meet you but I love that I get to hold you every moment right now and that for just a short time more you are mine alone.
As you finish getting everything ready for him to arrive and you look around and relax a little feeling like you are prepared, you think about enjoying these last short weeks before the hard work starts.
My kids tell me I am mean a lot. I wonder if it's true. Am I mean? I think I am sometimes. I don't want to be mean.
Allie posted to Hyperbole and Half again after a really long time: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
She is a really talented artist and good at talking about depression. I find it most interesting how people who have never struggled with depression can't understand it. I look at my kids and I don't want them to ever understand that kind of pain but I also wonder if they already know about worse pain than I can ever imagine.
I think they probably do. My friends with divorced parents have been kind to me - offering what I can do to be a good parent instead of focusing on how painful it is - but they assure me it is an agonizing pain.
I like to believe that there is total order to this world. That it is perfect and when I don't see the perfection it is because I'm viewing things strangely as opposed to letting go of my fixed position.
Akiva Tatz' book Worldmask tells us that the physical world we live in is not "real" at all. Indeed, at this stage of pregnancy one does not feel she is living in any "real" world but daydreaming every moment of the day. The physical and spiritual tasks ahead are too large to digest and the brain fogs.
I look at my children, how they bear the strange changes in their mother and love me still, believe in me still - when I go to sleep before them or wake up after they have gone to school. I look at my husband, a slightly estranged best friend who is always right there for me but must worry so much - or I would if I were in his shoes. I want to go dancing with him and enjoy our last few weeks before the baby comes but there is no energy or grace left.
I wonder who you are in there and I long to meet you but I love that I get to hold you every moment right now and that for just a short time more you are mine alone.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Things I am Curious About
One thing I have been thinking about for many, many years is the concept of different languages and how we really know when two languages are different.
Keep in mind I have a degree in Linguistics so I'm not thinking about this in some kind of theoretical passing sense.
I have learned through my studies that Linguists will claim two languages are unrelated when they clearly are because of politics and this has led me to develop my own theory of related languages.
If you can't understand someone speaking a language then their language is different from yours.
Take English and German for example because they have a lot of similar words and you can understand those words sometimes if you are an English speaker listening to German or vice versa.
But I know those are different languages because I can't understand a German speaker as a native speaker of English.
I understand that native speakers of Norwegian and Swedish can understand each other. I understand that native speakers of Italian and Spanish can understand each other. So what makes these languages wholly different from each other?
When an American listens to someone from England usually he can understand 95 to 99% of what is being said but why do we classify these languages as both English? Are they more similar than Norwegian and Swedish?
I looked it up and found this:
90% of the words in swedish is also in the norwegian. we don't always understand each other, and norwegians understand the two other languages better.
Fig. A. an understanding of spoken language
Norwegians understand 88% of the spoken swedish language
understand 73% of the spoken danish language
Swedes understand 48% of the spoken norwegian language
understand 23% of the spoken danish language
Danes understand 69% of the spoken norwegian language
understand 43% of the spoken swedish language
Fig. B. An understanding of the written language
Norwegians understand 89% of the written swedish language
understand 93% of the written danish language
Swedes understand 86% of the written norwegian language
understand 69% of the written danish language
Danes understand 89% of the written norwegian language
understand 69? of the written swedish language.
I wonder if there is any truth to this and how it can be that Norwegians understand more of the other two languages.
But again, I think all native speakers of any English language understand American English better than we understand British, Scottish or Australian because, except for southern American English or any other heavily accented American English, American English is spoken rather slowly and clearly.
I would like to be able to learn all the various languages that are close enough to be understood by each others speakers to determine if the classification of these languages as wholly separate versus dialects is based solely on politics as I predict it is.
I'd love to hear what other people think who speak Spanish but can understand Italian for example or have other example languages that I haven't heard about.
The other thing I am curious about is the idea of honesty when you are communicating.
I think there is a difference between honesty and negativity. The idea is energy. Did you ever notice that some things give you energy and some things take away your energy? The feeling of being energized is a positive feeling.
You can accomplish things. When you feel inspired by a person or a book or an idea or an object or an experience you feel you have more energy and you want to act and of course with enough energy you feel you can do anything!
When someone is yelling at you or complaining or you see something sad or witness something awful you feel de-energized. You feel hopeless and like you just want to curl up in a ball, right?
The power of negative energy is strong as well. When a person is negative, you don't like them and don't want to be around them and you certainly don't want to listen to them.
As a parent I try to remember that when my kids do things I don't like that I can focus them on what I want, not complain to them about what they did that I don't like.
It's the power of positivity. I think that there is a force of sucking out life in negativity. I think that it is easy to make the decision to block out negative people from your life. But what if someone claims that they are the voice of honesty?
I think a person's opinion, when negative, is necessarily dishonest because it is colored with an energy that saps life and there is no honesty in that. Everyone knows that there are two sides to every story and good in every bad as well as bad in every good. It is the way things are.
There is unlimited power in being positive and we should all be certain that our honesty is rooted in that belief so that we are a force for good in this world and not destruction.
I wonder why some people choose to criticize others when their thoughts could be rerouted in positive ways to create positive outcomes.
Keep in mind I have a degree in Linguistics so I'm not thinking about this in some kind of theoretical passing sense.
I have learned through my studies that Linguists will claim two languages are unrelated when they clearly are because of politics and this has led me to develop my own theory of related languages.
If you can't understand someone speaking a language then their language is different from yours.
Take English and German for example because they have a lot of similar words and you can understand those words sometimes if you are an English speaker listening to German or vice versa.
But I know those are different languages because I can't understand a German speaker as a native speaker of English.
I understand that native speakers of Norwegian and Swedish can understand each other. I understand that native speakers of Italian and Spanish can understand each other. So what makes these languages wholly different from each other?
When an American listens to someone from England usually he can understand 95 to 99% of what is being said but why do we classify these languages as both English? Are they more similar than Norwegian and Swedish?
I looked it up and found this:
90% of the words in swedish is also in the norwegian. we don't always understand each other, and norwegians understand the two other languages better.
Fig. A. an understanding of spoken language
Norwegians understand 88% of the spoken swedish language
understand 73% of the spoken danish language
Swedes understand 48% of the spoken norwegian language
understand 23% of the spoken danish language
Danes understand 69% of the spoken norwegian language
understand 43% of the spoken swedish language
Fig. B. An understanding of the written language
Norwegians understand 89% of the written swedish language
understand 93% of the written danish language
Swedes understand 86% of the written norwegian language
understand 69% of the written danish language
Danes understand 89% of the written norwegian language
understand 69? of the written swedish language.
I wonder if there is any truth to this and how it can be that Norwegians understand more of the other two languages.
But again, I think all native speakers of any English language understand American English better than we understand British, Scottish or Australian because, except for southern American English or any other heavily accented American English, American English is spoken rather slowly and clearly.
I would like to be able to learn all the various languages that are close enough to be understood by each others speakers to determine if the classification of these languages as wholly separate versus dialects is based solely on politics as I predict it is.
I'd love to hear what other people think who speak Spanish but can understand Italian for example or have other example languages that I haven't heard about.
The other thing I am curious about is the idea of honesty when you are communicating.
I think there is a difference between honesty and negativity. The idea is energy. Did you ever notice that some things give you energy and some things take away your energy? The feeling of being energized is a positive feeling.
You can accomplish things. When you feel inspired by a person or a book or an idea or an object or an experience you feel you have more energy and you want to act and of course with enough energy you feel you can do anything!
When someone is yelling at you or complaining or you see something sad or witness something awful you feel de-energized. You feel hopeless and like you just want to curl up in a ball, right?
The power of negative energy is strong as well. When a person is negative, you don't like them and don't want to be around them and you certainly don't want to listen to them.
As a parent I try to remember that when my kids do things I don't like that I can focus them on what I want, not complain to them about what they did that I don't like.
It's the power of positivity. I think that there is a force of sucking out life in negativity. I think that it is easy to make the decision to block out negative people from your life. But what if someone claims that they are the voice of honesty?
I think a person's opinion, when negative, is necessarily dishonest because it is colored with an energy that saps life and there is no honesty in that. Everyone knows that there are two sides to every story and good in every bad as well as bad in every good. It is the way things are.
There is unlimited power in being positive and we should all be certain that our honesty is rooted in that belief so that we are a force for good in this world and not destruction.
I wonder why some people choose to criticize others when their thoughts could be rerouted in positive ways to create positive outcomes.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Foggy
Last night I was having many, many contractions so finally we decided to go to the hospital because we wanted to be sure we were not in a mad rush to get there. The contractions kept coming about every 5 minutes for a few hours.
It's too early still for this guy to be born. Two more weeks and it would be just fine but they didn't like me having all those contractions just yet. They gave me Nifedipine to stop them but it didn't actually work. Even so by 1 a.m. they decided that the contractions were not doing anything even if they were happening regularly so they gave me a shot of morphine and sent me home.
I woke up late this afternoon. I remember us checking on taking this morphine because after all, would I even notice if labor got seriously underway? She said it would only last 4 hours and then I would be groggy but labor would not stop and it would be felt.
15 hours later I woke up and 19 hours later I'm still very groggy. No labor though and that's good. I'd like to make it to at least 36 weeks if not 37 or 38.
We shall see.
They said don't worry about coming back to the hospital until my contractions are painful. I hope my little guy is ok.
It's too early still for this guy to be born. Two more weeks and it would be just fine but they didn't like me having all those contractions just yet. They gave me Nifedipine to stop them but it didn't actually work. Even so by 1 a.m. they decided that the contractions were not doing anything even if they were happening regularly so they gave me a shot of morphine and sent me home.
I woke up late this afternoon. I remember us checking on taking this morphine because after all, would I even notice if labor got seriously underway? She said it would only last 4 hours and then I would be groggy but labor would not stop and it would be felt.
15 hours later I woke up and 19 hours later I'm still very groggy. No labor though and that's good. I'd like to make it to at least 36 weeks if not 37 or 38.
We shall see.
They said don't worry about coming back to the hospital until my contractions are painful. I hope my little guy is ok.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Fire Pit
Last weekend my husband built a fire pit in our backyard. This was in preparation for our newborn son coming in the next month or so.
We have to move all the furniture in five rooms in our house, procure baby furniture, put it together or at the very least get a car seat and some clothes to put the baby in when he's born, but I think he and I agreed this was a better use of his time.
I was watching Skyfall while he did that. It took me at least 6 hours to watch Skyfall between the bathroom breaks, naps, and checking on the fire pit.
This is what I like about my husband. He didn't get mad at me when we finally went to Babies R Us and I said that I hated that place and can't we just put our baby in a cardboard box?
I have a baby registry on Amazon and I think around May 15th I'll just put every single thing on my list in the cart and check out and then there will be stuff for the baby.
Actually, I have been really savvy about getting ready for Jr. thanks to the Coastside Mom's club. All these awesome women who live by me post when they want to get rid of stuff and if I need it I go get it!
This is the stuff I got so far for free. Two baby bjorns. A bouncy chair, some kind of pack n' play (although we haven't actually looked at it yet), one of those things the baby sits in and jumps up and down in, a jog stroller, a regular stroller, some clothes, some swaddler diapers...
Anyway, back to the fire pit. I like to cook and I have always wanted a wood burning pizza oven so that's what I asked my husband to build, but you have to have some special stuff to make one of those so maybe next weekend.
He really likes playing with fire - but he is one of those guys who, on the spectrum, is very civilized so he wouldn't like me saying it like that. He would say that he likes to grill, use his smoker, or build fire pits under the auspices of grilling.
It's pretty exciting!
We have to move all the furniture in five rooms in our house, procure baby furniture, put it together or at the very least get a car seat and some clothes to put the baby in when he's born, but I think he and I agreed this was a better use of his time.
I was watching Skyfall while he did that. It took me at least 6 hours to watch Skyfall between the bathroom breaks, naps, and checking on the fire pit.
This is what I like about my husband. He didn't get mad at me when we finally went to Babies R Us and I said that I hated that place and can't we just put our baby in a cardboard box?
I have a baby registry on Amazon and I think around May 15th I'll just put every single thing on my list in the cart and check out and then there will be stuff for the baby.
Actually, I have been really savvy about getting ready for Jr. thanks to the Coastside Mom's club. All these awesome women who live by me post when they want to get rid of stuff and if I need it I go get it!
This is the stuff I got so far for free. Two baby bjorns. A bouncy chair, some kind of pack n' play (although we haven't actually looked at it yet), one of those things the baby sits in and jumps up and down in, a jog stroller, a regular stroller, some clothes, some swaddler diapers...
Anyway, back to the fire pit. I like to cook and I have always wanted a wood burning pizza oven so that's what I asked my husband to build, but you have to have some special stuff to make one of those so maybe next weekend.
He really likes playing with fire - but he is one of those guys who, on the spectrum, is very civilized so he wouldn't like me saying it like that. He would say that he likes to grill, use his smoker, or build fire pits under the auspices of grilling.
It's pretty exciting!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Hippo
32 weeks but I'm gigantic. I hope you are just a big, healthy boy. Well, my fingernails look good.
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