There is a lot I want to say on this subject but I don't know how to begin. Most of it involves fear and a constant effort to not feel it.
There is the fear that you will lose your house. The fear that you can't earn enough to take care of your children and your bills. The fear that he will take your kids away from you.
There is the fear that your kids are forever damaged. The fear that you are forever damaged.
The Tao says hope is as hollow as fear and that both arise from thinking of your self. See the world as yourself, then you can see through all fear.
But the past couple of nights I had dreams of 1.)cataclysmic tornadoes and 2.) nuclear bombs going off.
The next thing the Tao teaches is to have faith in the way things are. This is always a great comfort to me.
Still, I wonder if I could go back in time two years if I would have sat down with myself and said, "Don't do it." It's impossible because only what I have learned since then has brought me to the place I am today.
Back then I could see no other way. And, I wonder if I am different enough now to make our marriage happy.
In any case, I recognize now for what it is. This is grief. It ends when I get settled into my new life and I conquer my fears.