I am a writer and a Mommy. I am a devout Jew. These are the most important books I have read: The Tao te Ching by Lao Tzu, Stephen Mitchell translation. Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford. Living Inspired by Akiva Tatz. My kitchen would suggest I'm a closet carny, as would my love of Branson.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Being a Single Mom

Sucks.

There is a lot I want to say on this subject but I don't know how to begin. Most of it involves fear and a constant effort to not feel it.

There is the fear that you will lose your house. The fear that you can't earn enough to take care of your children and your bills. The fear that he will take your kids away from you.

There is the fear that your kids are forever damaged. The fear that you are forever damaged.

The Tao says hope is as hollow as fear and that both arise from thinking of your self. See the world as yourself, then you can see through all fear.

But the past couple of nights I had dreams of 1.)cataclysmic tornadoes and 2.) nuclear bombs going off.

The next thing the Tao teaches is to have faith in the way things are. This is always a great comfort to me.

Still, I wonder if I could go back in time two years if I would have sat down with myself and said, "Don't do it." It's impossible because only what I have learned since then has brought me to the place I am today.

Back then I could see no other way. And, I wonder if I am different enough now to make our marriage happy.

In any case, I recognize now for what it is. This is grief. It ends when I get settled into my new life and I conquer my fears.

5 comments:

Helene Eichenwald Slutsky said...

Tao says all those things but I say, you need to get set up with a nice jewish boy who will worship the ground you walk on....let me know if I can help introduce you.

I am serious!

Kate said...

I still think it can work. You can go back and it's not too late. I know it's not all you pictured, but marriage never is. There is a constant cycle of romance, disillusionment, and joy. Now that I understand that, I can see that even in the rough times we will eventually come back to the joy. And you can experience all three in one day! :)

I love you and I'm praying for you. Take it from me... you can and should still try with A.

Anonymous said...

Not sure why "Kate" said you should go backwards. I was told that the Tao says to move forward and not look back. Being single is not that bad. Especially when you know that the person you were married to did not bring you pure joy. Move forward and pure joy and love will arrive. There are ups and downs of marriage. An unhappy future with an ex is inevitable If you believe there is a "cycle of marriage". Do you trust your heart?

Kate said...

Just so "Anonymous" knows why I said what I said... it's because I know you and I know your heart. I know your situation, and I know your pain. I was there on your wedding day, and it's always been a rough road hasn't it? When will the world (or the Tao even) stop lying to us by saying that every thing can be perfect?

Tell me when has there ever been a person in your life that never caused you pain and never hurt you. (And if you say your children, just give them a few more years!) When you find that person, you'll be looking at God.

Foodie said...

Just to settle this, I have asked my ex to give us a new shot. To date me as he so willingly dates others. I have been asking him earnestly for a long time to consider a new us.

He says absolutely not. Never. There is no choice here.

And, I agree with Helene. I want a nice Jewish boy who will worship the ground I walk on and be live adventure partner!!