I am a writer and a Mommy. I am a devout Jew. These are the most important books I have read: The Tao te Ching by Lao Tzu, Stephen Mitchell translation. Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford. Living Inspired by Akiva Tatz. My kitchen would suggest I'm a closet carny, as would my love of Branson.

Monday, August 10, 2009

My campaign against divorce and what I did not make for dinner

Unlike my sister, who is amazing in her kitchen almost every night of the week, I am a bit horrified by cooking most nights. I would more readily make the good stuff if my kids would eat it. Now, I realize you might be thinking that if I were strict my kids would eat whatever I made.

Yes, but I am not strict.

Someday, people. Just you wait and see. My kids will eat everything and be little gourmands. We are getting there. For example, my son actually asked me to make him truffle fries. He doesn't even know that's what they are, but he asked for "those fries that you make that are so good" - yeah. We'll get there.

Normally I don't post about the nights when I refrain from cooking and dinner is a cobbled together hodge podge of crap. But my dear cousin has been living with me this summer and he mentioned tonight that it would be funny if I blogged about the non-dinner I made.

This includes some Papa John's breadsticks leftover from yesterday's big UVa send off party which I hosted.

There was pizza too - but the kids didn't want that. So I gave them some smartfood popcorn.

You know why it's called smartfood? Because the people who created it are geniuses. They know that lazy, yuppies like me will see some shit called smart food and buy it for my spoiled children.

I also took some bananas that were close to being rotten and cooked them in some homemade caramel. I then ordered my daughter to eat them over spumoni ice cream. She did it.

But not without saying, as she seems to say a lot lately, "there was no real dinner tonight, Mommy."

And now on to my campaign against divorce. I'm not a poster child for anything in particular. I like to have fun and it's often my highest priority through thick and thin.

But a year and 4 months into being divorced I can tell you that given the chance I will talk anyone out of it. I will give husband and wife alike a laundry list of horrors so long that no one on earth would walk away from me doing anything but running back to their potential ex-spouse and cleaving to them so permanently that others will want to know what earth shattering revelation befell them.

Trust me. The most hopeless and awful of situations can be made to seem lovely. Let me bend your ear people. I am 100% sincere in offering my free and guaranteed services as the person who talked you (or your spouse) out of divorce.

Try me.


Jodi said...

I cook. It is not always amazing. And often the baby gets popcorn for dinner because, praise God, it is something he will eat.

I think your "why not to get divorced" idea would make a great blog on its own.

Chaseman said...

Okay, Amy - this begs the question of why you don't go back now. And, more importantly, if you could go back to yourself 2 years ago, would your list really be enough to stop yourself?


BenWeiss said...

Even if you get divorced, you'll always have Papa John and Little Caesar to fight over your loyalty. You can live in the Pizza Hut and entertain yourselves by playing Dominoes.

Oh, happy day!

Anonymous said...

Does your ex want you back? Why would you go backwards? Move forward. Find someone better....there has to be someone out there for you! Divorce is not the worst thing in the world. It usually helps people find true happiness. Who really wants to be miserable?

anxiousdog said...

Anonymous said "Divorce is not the worst thing in the world..." But it is isn't it? I think I remember telling you something like that a while ago. Hmmm.... :)