I am a writer and a Mommy. I am a devout Jew. These are the most important books I have read: The Tao te Ching by Lao Tzu, Stephen Mitchell translation. Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford. Living Inspired by Akiva Tatz. My kitchen would suggest I'm a closet carny, as would my love of Branson.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Life After

When I was lying in the hospital bed in labor I had this strange feeling I have had so many times before that everything was about to change drastically forever.

I don't like the feeling. It is unnerving to know that a huge change is about to happen which will make you a different person.

Sometimes the change is like becoming a wife. It is a slower change that evolves over time and the change relies on your words, actions and beliefs.

Having this child has changed me unexpectedly. I don't understand why but just the fact of being his mother has made me someone new.

I'm getting used to it although I don't know what it means yet.  I can't think about that right now.

Two months of sleep deprivation is something I'm not getting used to.

But unlike with my first baby when I just could not believe how tired I was, I know that soon enough he will sleep at night and soon enough he will crawl etc. etc.

The strange thing is that so often I can't sleep.  I don't remember if this is normal and I would love to hear from other Moms if they experienced it, but I'll get up to nurse in the middle of the night and then not be able to fall right back to sleep, instead my mind is racing with all manner of thoughts.

I have tried various methods to get myself back to sleep quickly but it doesn't work so now I pray.

I pray that Gd will help me be someone good and kind and patient.  I pray that Gd will help me realize my potential in life and make the most of the gifts I have and be the best version of myself.  I pray that I will be a good wife and a good mother to all five of the children I am so blessed to have in my life.

It is quite a trick to have the family configuration we do and with the arrival of our baby it has finally sunk in just how important it is that I love and care for all of these children with all my heart, making the effort it requires to give them each attention, appreciation, understanding, unconditional love and myself.

It is easy to love the two kids I gave birth to and have known for so many years but I have taken them for granted so many times.  I have taken for granted the little time I have with them since I share them with their Dad who has them half of their lives now.  I do not want to lose my patience with them because I affect how much they believe in themselves and I want them to feel good about themselves and have confidence in themselves that they are good people who can make good choices.

It can be harder to love the two kids who I did not give birth to, who I see much less often but they need my love and patience and caring just as much.  They need to know that I believe in them, that I am there for them.  I am another parent who they can trust, who loves them unconditionally.  I have to show them that I care about knowing them, helping them grow up and being in their lives forever.

All of these kids share a brother who they are getting to know.  They are getting to love him - it is clear in the way they act, the way they look at him and touch him.  He is their baby.  Their brother.   This is my family, my chance to be a mother to five wonderful people.  I am so overwhelmed and so lucky.


Mom said...

Beautiful thoughts. Sleep will return.

Kate A. said...

Time will change even this. I prayed that God would give me a mother's heart for my younger two, and He has. Sometimes it may feel different, but over time it won't. Just call them your kids and don't label them "step kids" or they will always be a step away from your heart.