I am a writer and a Mommy. I am a devout Jew. These are the most important books I have read: The Tao te Ching by Lao Tzu, Stephen Mitchell translation. Spiritual Divorce by Debbie Ford. Living Inspired by Akiva Tatz. My kitchen would suggest I'm a closet carny, as would my love of Branson.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Losing 20 Pounds

Last year I struggled with my weight.  I lost all my Jacob pregnancy weight within six months of having him but when I left him to go back to work I was very unhappy and I slowly gained weight and kept gaining until June this year.

Somehow the excess weight had become so much that I finally admitted to myself I needed to buy all new clothes, but with a beach vacation coming up my husband asked if I would do a Beachbody program with him and I agreed.

This wasn't the first time he asked but I'd shot him down before because I hate exercise and I love food too much. 
 
This was a three week program so I agreed to do it because I figured I could do anything for 21 days. That first week was agony.  Every day I felt terrible.  I was breaking my bad habits of snacking on chips and Chex mix and eating anything and everything I wanted to.  That first week really felt like torture.  Doing the half hour workouts felt impossible.  I could barely keep up with the videos and I was in pain and exhausted.

Every time I wanted to eat something that was outside of my diet I reminded myself why I was doing this, that it was only three weeks, that I should remember how hard this is if I ever lose all the weight so I never get back here again.

The amazing thing was that it got easier. I actually learned how to eat to be healthy.  It seems obvious but I'd never done it before.  I learned how to eat to fuel my body instead of eating to calm my emotions.

In two months I lost twenty pounds.

I not only had to abandon eating for comfort, which is seriously like losing a friend or breaking up with someone.  I also had to face the question of why I valued a thin body so much.  Why did I feel so bad about myself at a size 8?  Why was a size 10 unbearable? What size would make me happy?

Would I ever be satisfied with my body?  What weight would I stop at and how would I maintain that?

It's been a month since I stopped dieting and started trying to maintain my new weight.  I feel more comfortable in my body at this size.  I don't feel compelled to get smaller and smaller.

I am happy that I can sometimes eat whatever I want as long as other times I make healthy choices.

I see that I still struggle with comfort-eating but when I decide I'm going to make good choices all day I do it and the next day I feel proud of myself and I like that.

I like the way all of this forces me to sometimes be strict and sometimes be relaxed, always being kind to myself because that's the real goal.  I feel like myself again.

It's hard to know what was upsetting me about being heavier but it might have simply been that my body didn't feel good.  Carrying around 20 extra pounds every day made me tired and clumsy. 

I still don't like to exercise but it's easier, I have strong muscles now that want to be used and like to be worked.

I often eat food that doesn't taste great but is just what my body wants in it.  It's a funny thing to say but I notice how true it is.  (Think raw spinach for breakfast every day)

I've been sitting on this post for a long time because it's such a personal topic and I am afraid that people will judge me for it but I decided to share today.  So there you go.

2 comments:

Mac said...

Congratulations, Amy! :)

At this point in my life, weight management is purely a calorie in, calorie out game. There honestly isn't enough exercise that I can do in a day to allow me to eat as I would like to... Portion sizes in the U.S. are the biggest problem, and so just eat 1/2 to 2/3 of what they normally serve in restaurants, and you'll be in a better place.

Miss you!

Monique Schmottlach said...

Amy I am soooo proud of you. I know you don't like exercise and the truth is most people don't. I don't always like it and its what I do for a living. But, I know it is what is good for by body and I always feel better and move better afterwards. I love hearing that you know how to eat in balance now. That is what maintaining your weight is all about. Remember it is not about being perfect. Love you!!!